“To make the right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude…because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions.” ~ Deepak Chopra
I have been struggling off and on for quite some time now. I chalked it up to menopause, my job, my apartment, my move to Arizona, my failed relationships, etc. You name it, I blamed it. The truth is that it goes deeper than that. It’s not about menopause because I pop a pill every day to make sure I am estrogen filled; it’s not about my job because I work with some great people, I get paid a nice salary and, let’s face it, I am blessed to have a job. It’s not about the apartment because I love it. I finally live alone and I am getting in touch with what I like and dislike. I have nobody to consult and, quite frankly, I like it that way right now. And it certainly isn’t about the move and the relationships because I know, with 100% certainty, that I made all the right decisions in both areas and I am exactly where I need and want to be. No, what it’s about is not knowing who I am at my core. Not being in tune with my spirit and my intuition. I am so far off base, I’m in another playing field.
This awareness came to fruition today at the coffee shop. Interesting place to have a moment of clarity amidst all the caffeine. I struggled a lot this week with the same old stuff I always struggle with. What is my passion and my purpose? Do I even have one or is my life meant to be spent behind a desk motivating nobody, not even myself? Am I the person that reads all the self-help books and listens to the motivational lectures and does absolutely nothing, or will I be one of those people one day? I cannot explain it but I feel like something bigger is out there for me. I have no clue what it is but I have to believe it’s true or I wouldn’t be having the week like I just had. Actually, I wouldn’t be having the day I am having.
I woke up as distressed as when I went to sleep last night. Just a heavy heart and not sure why. I decided to meditate for 30 min. and it did soothe me a little bit. My brain was of course running wild but I did my best to just let the random thoughts come and go. Eventually I was able too but by then the guided meditation was over. I was getting antsy so I decided to get up. My mind was telling me to go work-out but my heart (and my body) were telling me otherwise. I was getting the pull to take it easy, get out of my apartment and spend some time alone. What ended up happening was taking a mile walk to the coffee shop. It was a perfect day to do so. The weather reminded me of a fall day in New York and I didn’t mind the off and on rain. It actually felt quite nice to not have sunshine all the time. While I can appreciate it, it starts to piss me off every now and again. It’s like the people who find sunshine and roses in EVERYTHING. Makes me crazy and them less than believable, to me anyway. But I digress. I grabbed my iPod shuffle, my wallet and my iPad and I was on my way.
The walk and the fresh air felt like just what the doctor ordered. I was jamming to my music and taking in the gorgeous view of the mountains. Occasionally a jogger would pass me and I would have the “I should really be running and not walking” thought, berate myself for being fat and lazy, consider turning back and drinking water instead, but then continue to move towards my destination anyway. I just didn’t have it in me to listen to those self-deprecating voices in my head. Even I cannot stand listening to me sometimes! I’m glad I did not turn back. I owed it to myself to have a little down-time; a little time spent just with me. I ordered an iced mocha (and congratulated myself on the tasty decision to get sugar-free chocolate and skim milk. I am not being sarcastic; it was great!) and egg-whites with ham and cheese on an english muffin. I felt a little awkward eating alone (as this is only really my 2nd date with myself despite saying I was going to do it more often) but I did it anyway. It was after breakfast that I had my break-through. A couple of breakthroughs actually.
I started with my normal routine. Opening up my iPad and going directly to my Facebook account and my e-mail. This was break-through number one. After posting something ridiculous about my walk over (bitching about the rain and two coyotes), I checked my e-mail. In it was a blog post from my friend Laura who I met in a Sati class. She was talking about “unplugged weekends”. She shared how she was not going to Facebook, check e-mail, blog, etc… for the weekend and she was going to take that time to just be. Wow! That hit home and I knew immediately that this was something I was going to put into practice. I spend all week on the computer for work. During that time period I am on Facebook, Twitter, all sorts of news websites and, of course, checking my e-mail. When the day has ended, I am still checking to see who posted and what, if anything, was posted on my wall; who tweeted me; who responded to my e-mails, etc. This goes on until I hit the sheets. No wonder I don’t sleep well! My mind never shuts off. Ever!! I am so tired of being always available to everyone all the time. I leave my phone on in case there is a family emergency, but really, when I think about it, I managed to exist long before all this technology and I did fairly well. I am quite confident that I can do it again! So, while I know it won’t be easy, this is what I am going to try for the next 21 days (after all, it takes 21 days to break a habit, right coaches??): I will not Facebook, tweet, read the news or check my e-mail after 5pm. That’s quitting time and time for me to make dinner and unwind. Beginning at 5pm on Friday and lasting throughout the entire weekend I will not use any social media of any kind. I will not “check-in” to places I am visiting (quite frankly, who even gives a shit!?), I will not even so much as look at pictures. I will not check my e-mail and I will not read the news. Anything significant going on I will inevitably hear about. That weekend time will be used to do such things as spend quality time with the people I love, read, write, catch up on shows I missed during the week, watch movies, be in nature, etc… I have not been as present as I would like and I am missing out on the fun and goodness that is right in front of me. Thank you Laura for your inspiration!
I went right to work! I switched off Facebook (although I did cheat when I got home because I was awaiting a reply from a friend) and started to read. I wanted to read something that required no thought. Just a novel or a magazine, but there were people around me talking too loudly and I kept reading the same sentence over and over. A OCD thing perhaps? It really interferes with my concentration. I decided to just sit and be. I drank my coffee and waited out the conversation. Surprisingly I did not eavesdrop either. I actually just sat still and kinda spaced out. That was the best thing for me. A few thoughts crossed my mind. It’s not like these are new thoughts either but for whatever reason they just struck a chord with me today. Off and on I was fighting back the tears.
The first was weight. I have gained weight since I have been on this new estrogen pill. I workout out pretty hard and I have done a decent job with my eating (although there is always room for improvement) but I still cannot seem to drop it. It’s been eating at me (no pun intended) and all my focus lately has been on diet. It’s unhealthy (again, no pun…although I am finding I am quite good at them, no?). I forced myself to really think about how these thoughts are affecting me and the truth is, they are ruining me! I would never talk to my worst enemy the way I talk to myself. Worse than that, I would never ALLOW anyone to talk to me the way I talk to myself. It needs to stop and that thought alone brought me to tears. I am a damn good person. I make people laugh, I am kind, I am loving, and I have a lot to offer. My pant size (no dresses here folks) should make no difference. So why does it!? This is something I have been battling since I was a kid. My parents, while I love them and they meant no harm, where always telling me to lose a few pounds or where comparing me to my neighborhood girlfriends. Now, as an adult, I am comparing myself to everyone based on looks. It just stopped being cool with me today, ya know? It dawned on me that the reason I am not dropping any weight is because I am obsessing about it. I am a firm believer in what you think about you bring about. In my case, it’s what I obsess about I bring about. Well I’ve brought it about alright. Big time! (Get it? BIG time? Not funny? Okay..sorry..I couldn’t help myself). I don’t know how to just let go but I think a good place to start is to stop listening to the experts because, quite frankly, they all say something different, and just listen to my body. I’m not a stupid woman. I know that weight loss = more calories burned + fewer calories consumed. Smaller portions, mix-up my exercise routine, incorporate weight training. I get it. What I wasn’t getting, until now, was the listen to my body part. If I am hurting and need sleep, pushing though and showing the world what a trooper I am is not going to win me any points with myself. Eating a burger when my body is asking for grapefruit is only going to have me running for the nearest toilet. Is it worth it? Nah. I’m worth the effort and today was the much-needed reminder to get back to basics.
The second thing my mind drifted to was my spirit and how I have lost connection with it. Meditation this morning is what brought that on I think. I just feel so disconnected to myself. Cue the tears once again. I have spent so many years of my life trying to please everyone that I don’t know what to do to please myself. This time alone today really helped. Doing absolutely nothing but sit and be brought about a change in just about how I do everything. I realized, for example, that I like doing nothing. Who knew? Back in NY and for quite some time here in AZ, I have always been asking myself and others “what do you want to do today?”, “what’s on the agenda?” “where do you need me to be?” etc. I felt as though I had to have plans and be “busy” so that my self-worth was raised a few bars. I mean, staying in on a Friday night meant you were a loser with no friends, no? Not doing anything on the weekends meant nobody liked you or you were lazy, right? The more I had to do, the more valuable I was. What a crock of crap!! All I am is exhausted and run-down with a few pimples from the left-over tears to show for it.
I also drifted off into la-la land and started wondering when the hell I became so sensitive. Was I always a “tough guy” or was I always sensitive but with a “tough guy” routine? Did you know that was actually a nickname for me in high school? True story. “Alright tough guy, have it your way.”, “whatever you say tough guy.” Interesting. Anyway, lately I have been taking on people’s stuff and finding a way to take it personally and/or make it about me. I never used to do stuff like that. Or maybe I did and have just been in denial for 36 years. Either way, that’s what I have been doing. Case in point, this asinine idea I had about a Facebook page I created called The Pummel of Love. I was bantering back and forth with a friend about how all the negativity and drama in the world needed to be combatted. I had an idea to create a page and I was so friggin stoked to have had an actual idea that I just ran with it. By the very next day, actually, no…later that same day…I realized my idea was no different then a gazillion other pages that already existed. There was nothing that made it different and fun and coming up with ideas for the page was excruciating. I wanted to drop it as soon as I started it but I felt like I would be quitting on it just like I do with every “great idea” that I have. I decided to stick it out for a bit.; after all, I did have a whopping 46 followers, some of whom I begged to “like” that shit, and all of whom love me and support me regardless but….yesterday I finally just deleted it. It came to the point where I just didn’t care what people thought about my quitting. Chances are nobody noticed and, to be honest, I didn’t care that I was quitting. Call it quit, call it a creative “good try Tiff, you’ll get ‘em next time buckaroo”, call it whatever you want….it’s done and I am relieved. It wasn’t me. I try to take the positive approach as often as I can, I try to look for the good, but let’s face it, I don’t crap rainbows! When life is shit, I like to call it out. All those positive pages that already exist are great. When I need an uplifting message, I know where to go. But to put on an act and ALWAYS have that happy glow is….well…let’s just say it’s not what I believe to be true for me and leave it at that. Okay, so maybe that was not a good example. The point was that I have been sensitive. The lack of responses to the page…a page I disliked…felt like a hit to the ole ego. In reality, if I, the creator, did not like it, why would anyone else? There are other sensitive reasons behind it, but the details don’t matter. Just when the hell did I get so sensitive!?!?
Right before it was time to try to read again, I sat for a few more minutes and breathed. I thought about the negativity that inspired me to create that page to begin with and I tried to remind myself that people’s actions, no matter how lazy, rude, selfish, and inconsiderate, I may find them is NOT my problem. I have a choice as to whether or not I want to be involved in the drama and negativity but, more to the point, it’s not about me; it’s about them. What people allow into their worlds is their choice. I choose not to allow it in mine anymore.
As hard as today was, it was much-needed. Like the “unplugging” for the weekend and listening to my body, “doing nothing” will also have its challenges but I am willing to try. I am willing to say “no” when I mean no. I am willing to enjoy the time I have to myself. I love to write and I love to read. I have done neither because I was too busy worrying about what plans I needed to make to keep me occupied. Can it be lonely sometimes? Absolutely! But I have not even given it a fair chance. It’s time to do just that.
So, that’s where 3 hours, 2 drinks and 1 sandwich will get you on a Saturday morning (now late afternoon) if you let it. I asked for guidance before I left. I asked that I be shown how to let go and be me; how to stop pleasing everyone else and learn to listen within to what makes me tick. As you may or may not know, I am a music lover, so I decided to put my iPod on shuffle (something I rarely do) for the walk home and see what signs the Universe was showing me. 2 songs occupied the walk. The first was Mary J’s version of Stairway to Heaven. I was half listening to the lyrics when all of a sudden I just tuned in to the verse “and if you listen very hard, the tune will come to you at last.” I never listen. I hear. That needs to change and it was no coincidence I listened very hard at that time. The next song was by Melissa, Open Your Mind. That says it all. Listen and enjoy.
