I Used To Think……

I have been wanting to write but, as usual these days, I have been struggling with what to say. ‘Bloggers block’ if you will. I always say that I am going to write every week and get back at it, and then the reality is that I simply don’t. I feel like I must have some kind of hot topic to talk about or why bother? I started writing a blog ages ago for myself and then somewhere along the line I started writing for others. That kinda sucks, no? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love that people comment and wish to read what I have to say, but the fun is certainly removed when I start feeling like I “have” to say something. In any event, I decided to write, yet again. This time, however, I’m not going to TRY to write because then I am basically saying that I might or I might not. I WILL write. Every day. Whether I share with the world or not will be determined on how I feel on that day. All I know is that I feel better when I get some thoughts down, no matter how random.

In an effort to get started I decided to use a writing prompt. Today’s topic was to start every sentence with “I used to think…..” and then elaborate. My mind went a little crazy with this one but I had so much fun with it that I felt compelled to share. This is what I came up with off the top of my head, in no particular order:

• I used to think that true love did not exist. I used to think that I could not have/was not deserving of ALL the qualities I wanted in a woman. I could have/was deserving of SOME, but not all. While I usually love to be right, it feels so amazing to know I am wrong in this instance. It does exist and I am deserving. We all are.

• I used to think that the grocery store, the farmers market, the DMV and the Duane Reade on Lexington Avenue in NYC were all glimpses of what hell would look like. I still think this.

• I used to think I was fat in grade school. It didn’t help to have brothers call me a cow at every turn, but I guess that’s  what could be expected from the “adopted Dumbo with the lazy eye” and the “crack head”. Based on photographic evidence I was not fat, my brother was not Dumbo (nor was he adopted but his eye is still kinda funky when he gets drunk) and my other brother did not have a cracked head. I love my brothers. I thought so then and I do now.

• I used to think that everyone else was to blame for whatever was going wrong in my life. I pointed my finger at everyone else but the woman in the mirror. Anything from having a shitty hair day (which was clearly the hair dressers fault and the crappy product she sold to me), to my new jeans being too tight (the label was wrong), to failed relationships (dumbass women who wouldn’t know a good thing if it came and smacked them in the face). God forbid it actually be because I was forcing my hair to do something it was not long enough to do (or the humidity, which, let’s get real, we all know is a bitch!), I ate a bag of Oreo’s and I was in relationships that simply were not the right fit for me. Plain and simple. We live. We learn. We accept responsibility. We move on and live happily ever after. Since I used to be that person, and I learned the hard way, I have zero tolerance for people who refuse to look at themselves and accept responsibility for their own lives. Cry me a river, build me a bridge, call me when you’re over it. It’s just what I think.

• I used to think I couldn’t control my thoughts. That what popped into my head had to stay in my head until I beat the thought to death. Newsflash and thinking 101: I am the thinker, not the thought. If I don’t like how the thought makes me feel, think something else. If it keeps creeping back in, acknowledge it, thank it for it’s presence, and be done with it. Repeat until gone. It may take a while but it does work if you make the effort. Sometimes I don’t make the effort and that’s cool too. See above. Nobody’s fault but my own.

• I used to think I would never be married. That right was reserved for my hetero peeps and besides, I don’t do dresses and frills and the spotlight very well. Total crap! I can work a spotlight! I’ll be married one day (sans the dress) and every damn family member and friend who stuffed me into a fugly bridesmaids dress is gonna pay…. trust me!! Not only that, I’m going to register like nobody’s business and, maybe, just maybe, I will make them sit through a God-awful bridal shower!

• I used to think that all TV was live. True story. I remember watching something with, I want to say, Mike Tyson, where he was on one channel boxing (which probably was live) and another channel on a commercial. I was like “WTF!?, how is he doing that!!??” Yeah…not the brightest yellow pee in the snow back then if you know what I mean.

• I used to think I liked boys. Don’t think I need to elaborate on that one.

• I used to think I was going to be an Olympic swimmer. Don’t need to elaborate here either.

• I used to think “developing” (aka, having boobs) was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I hated my boobs with a passion. Early on as a child, when I played house, I was always in the man role. Men do not have boobs. As a now 36-year-old lover of boobs I can safely say that a) I LOVE my boobs! and b) man boobs (moobs) do exist. Amen!!

• I used to think that girls were better than boys. They are.

• I used to think that I would die if I ever lost my best friends. Drama much!? I did though. I was convinced that if my best friends and I ever parted ways that I would just stop breathing. I think that was called a crush back in school. Am I wrong?

• I used to think. That’s it. I used to think. Some days I just don’t.

Oh boy, this could go on all day. What about you? What did you used to think?

Happiness Is…….

“Don’t settle because you’re afraid you won’t find something better. Don’t compromise because you don’t want to be alone. Give your perfect life, lover and job time and space to grow into our life.  Don’t rush, don’t hurry. Take your time, be easy, have patience. Allow everything to come to you with your subtle guiding and intending. Your days of constant chasing with little reward are over. Everything you’ve ever wanted and more are coming to you, you just have to let it in with love, receptivity and non-judgment. Letting it in is how you become it.” ~ Jackson Kiddard

Two reasons for that quote: First, my nephew and zen baby is named Jackson. He looks wise beyond his years and in looking at his picture I was moved to post this quote among some of the others in the running. Second, it’s what I needed to hear and be reminded of.

“Take your time”, “Be easy”, “Have patience”. Jackson Kiddard, allow me to introduce myself. I am Tiffany Vacca. I am a former New Yorker and rushing is what I do. If it’s easy, how can it be worth it? Patience? I don’t understand you. Please define.

Still in Arizona. Still struggling. Some days ROCK; other days SUCK! I have everything I asked for: I am surrounded by people who love me; I work from home; I have a slower pace; I have my peace and quiet. So why the feelings of depression? Why the constant roller-coaster? Why am I never happy?

I think this quote gave me some answers. I need to give my idea of a perfect life, and everyone and everything in it, time and space to grow into my life as it is right now, at this very moment. I need to take it slow and let it in on its own time, judgment free. What I REALLY need to do is Let. Go. Let go of trying to be someone I’m not. Let go of my old life. Let go of relationships that are no longer working. Let go of the resentment and anger I feel when I think of those people and find a way to be alright with the fact that they will never accept responsibility for their part in the breakdown of those relationships. I get the fact that each relationship was sent to me to learn a lesson and to help shape me into the woman who I am today. Now, it’s time to identify that the lesson is over. In order to make a fresh start I cannot bring the past along for the ride.

Lately it seems I have very little idea as to who I am anymore. I’m not even sure I knew who I was to begin with. Being in one place for some many years and being influenced in so many ways, it was easy to get swept up and do what was the “in” thing. I don’t think I realized how tired I was until I came here and have been able to clear my mind and get some perspective. It’s amazing how much clarity one has when you just slow down. Granted, I feel like I am at a crawl more than just a little slow, but I am guessing that this is exactly where I need to be.

In an effort to find myself and get in alignment with who I am and who I want to be, I need to start with the basics. Happiness! Contrary to popular belief, and all those feel good people on Facebook and Twitter and everywhere else….happiness is NOT always easy (IMHO anyway). It is always a choice, yes…absolutely! But when you’re feeling displaced and out of sorts, happiness is hard to conjure up. When that happens, I find it best to “fake it until you make it”. So, while I am not feeling all that light and airy today, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t things in my world to help try to snap me out of it. Here it goes (in no particular order)…

Happiness is……

• Long phone conversations with my little sister
• Catching up with old friends
• TRUE friendship and knowing that you can turn to those people NO. MATTER. WHAT!
• Laughing until my sides hurt (and maybe even tinkling myself a little)
• The new, inspirational, ink that I want to get this weekend
• My nieces and nephew
• My family
• Dinner out tonight
• Accepting responsibility for my life and doing what works for ME
• My new furniture and artwork; my apartment now feels like a home!
• Upcoming weekend plans to see old friends and make new memories
• Iced coffee
• Lazy Saturday and Sunday mornings
• A good book
• A good movie
• Great music!
• My iPad (I’ve named her Lilly(pad) )

Yep…. that helped.

Life can be pretty friggin grand if only I would just let it!

Finding the ‘Good’ in Goodbye

I’m back! For those of you who didn’t already know the worst kept secret in the east, here is the scoop: I moved west. Arizona west. I have been here a little over two weeks and it’s been an experience. I have been asked repeatedly the same few questions: Are you happy you moved? Do you like it there? What have you been doing? Are you adjusting? Well, it’s very difficult to answer those questions without giving it some more time, but this is what I have for you right now.

Am I happy I moved? Yes, I am. I have been talking about it for almost 10 years and I am proud of myself for taking this leap and making this change. Whether I stay forever or for only a year (which is how long I promised myself in order to give it a fair chance) I know I won’t have any regrets because I walked my talk and I tried my best.

Do I like it here? Um….it’s different. When I arrived and it was 118 degrees, did I like it? Did I like the dehydration that followed? Not so much, no. What I did like, however, was that when it was 103 it felt crisp and cool. Okay, maybe not but you could feel the 15 degree difference. Basically instead of being naked, one could wear a tank top and not feel like they were being scorched. I’m not saying I was naked. I’m just sayin’. Oh yeah, and the awesome frightful sand storm, or haboob? I love that the word has boob in it, I’m not gonna lie! That was some serious shizz!! I learned to shut my window next time though. It should never be opened in monsoon season. That’s my big takeaway!

Next question. What have you been doing? Hmmm…. what have I been doing? Well let’s see, I have been sweating my ass off and doing way too much complaining about it. That will need to stop after this blog post. I have been on a hike where I was lucky enough to see a lizard and a horny toad up close. The lizards are kinda cute and the horny toad matched the desert so that wasn’t too freaky. I can check horny off my list. Ooops, I meant horny toad off my list. I have been frequenting my favorite coffee shop and taking it all in. I have been out and about looking for furniture as I sold/donated all my stuff. I have been brawling with FedEx about the disgusting way my boxes were delivered (or not delivered if you were box #15). A side note, do not EVER ship anything with FedEx if you don’t have too. This was my first and will be my last experience. I shipped 15 boxes of which 12 of them came smashed and ripped open, 2 contained broken dishes and glasses and the final one is lost somewhere and I doubt will ever be found. So now it’s all about what brown can do for me. My Mom seems to love her UPS man so I am going to follow that route and start making people whisper about me and mine. Oh and working. Lots of working. I even pulled my first all-nighter. Hell, I never even did that when I was in the actual office!

Moving on. Am I adjusting? To be honest, no, I’m not. Not as well as I would have liked anyway and certainly not like I envisioned. I thought it would be fun to start over and to shop little by little and add things to my new place. In time it may be, but, at 36 years old to be living on a blow-up couch and feeling like a college student is not nearly as much fun as one would think. I won’t say that I have no friends out here because that would be lying. I knew people before I moved here. Some I have seen and others I have yet to get together with, but, aside from a small handful, I don’t know anybody. Part of that is because I now work from home so I don’t have the time to get out and meet people during the day. When I do have the time, I am usually in such a foul mood that it’s better to just be by myself. People will be surprised to know that I am not as outgoing as they think. I have a very hard time going out to a movie, or dinner, or the bar by myself. I don’t just strike up conversations with anybody. Okay, that last part may not be true, but you get the point. Even a little extrovert like me has her weaknesses when it comes to meeting new people. I need to make more of an effort and once I kick this funk, I will. I’m adjusting as best as I can. There were a few things I did not see happening which have happened and has made this experience a little more difficult. Not only have I not made new friends here, but I have lost old friends there. I am always amazed at how people step up when there is a major life change with someone they love and care about. This time around I am amazed, and saddened, by the failure of some to even show up. No phone calls to see how I am doing, no responses to text messages, no reaching out on Facebook, not a thing. I used to try but I’m done with that now. No more calls, texts, etc… on my end. If I am going to give this a fair shot and start fresh I need to do that with the people who love and support me unconditionally and those who are positive forces in my life. The rest….well…..I wish them the best.

So that’s about it in a nutshell. I’m doing my best but this is harder than I thought. It will all be good though. I am constantly reminding myself that this is what I wanted and there is a lot of good to be had in goodbye. Such as

1. No more long, foul-smelling, nasty commutes with pushy, bitchy people.
2. No more tires being stolen of my car on the streets of Brooklyn
3. A fresh start where I can look around and not see memories of failed relationships
4. A chance to reinvent myself and become the person I want to be; not the person everyone from my past only thinks I am
5. The opportunity to build stronger relationships with my family. I am learning that absence really does make the heart grow fonder where they are concerned.

I know this post was a little all over the place but that’s where I am at right now. A little scattered. It may not be pretty but it’s real. I vow to do my best to get back to writing and keep everyone posted. In the mean time, enjoy this song. It’s my theme these days!

I love and miss you all! You know where to find me so feel free to reach out and I shall do the same!

Peace out!

Whiplash

I had been keeping a low profile this past week as I tried to sort through some things in my personal life. There are some major changes about to take place and I will be sharing them sometime in the near future. In the meantime, let me at least share what was the hot mess that I called my morning.

I woke up in a real fine mood. Real fine. As in, totally out of my mind, wacky, nut job kinda fine! I had a little chat with the Universe this morning, and, as a side note, you should know that it went a helluva lot better than the last time I attempted a connection with a Higher Power. The U and I were on the same page this morning and it felt awesome! I asked for some guidance as to how I needed to show up this morning and I wanted it to be in a way in which I felt connected. I decided that I was going to put my iPod on shuffle and whatever song came on first was the song that I was going to base my day on. Never in a million years did I think that “Whip My Hair” by Willow Smith would be the answer! Ummm… REALLY? In order to whip my hair back and forth effectively wouldn’t I have to have whipable hair? Wouldn’t I have to be somewhat graceful even!? But what choice did I have? This was how I wanted the sign delivered and there was no going back. I could either be a stick in the mud and find a new song or I could get my hair a whippin’! I chose to whip alright… whip into the near wall….whip into the arm of the couch….whip into the far wall….I was so damn dizzy and sore that I nearly tripped and fell face first into the cats water bowl! They were not amused by the way. Again, I know I’m not the most graceful person in the world but I figure it could be so much worse, right? What’s a little hair whip as opposed to, oh, I don’t know, walking along minding my own business and just randomly tossing myself into a Nike store mannequin? By the way, I’m not saying that I did witness a dear someone doing this, but, on the off-chance that perhaps it was a reality, I’m just glad it wasn’t MY reality. I mean, can you imagine? It would be like that sucker just came to life, stuck out a foot and slide tackled her to the tile! Either that or the earth shifted and she was the only one who felt it! I would much rather a stiff neck and a head rush as opposed to a broken hip and dislocated ankle! But I digress…big time…The point is, for as much fun as whiplash is, I think I am better suited to just be myself and not try to be Miss Willow Smith. That alone was a nice lesson! Willow 1 – Tiffany 0

Now back to my so-called sign. Let’s start with this: I hate that song! Love Willow, hate her song. The girl has got talent, yes, but I can only listen to the same lyrics but for so long. 34 minutes of:

I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I whip my hair back and forth (x4)

is irritating. I get it Willow. I get it. You whip your hair back and forth. Gimme something else please, or, better yet, let me go listen to your lyrics and come to the conclusion myself. That’s precisely what I did. Mid-whip I heard the following, which I believe was the Universe’s message:

Don’t let haters get me off my grind
Whip my hair, if I know I’ll be fine
Keep fighting until I get there
When I’m down and I feel like giving up

Like I said, I’ve been going through some personal stuff and trying to sort things out. When I get down sometimes I have a tendency to get waaaay down and there are times when I have felt like giving up. I wouldn’t say that I have ‘haters’ so much as I was the one being the ‘hater’. I admit to having spent so much time lately focusing on what everyone else is doing with their life that I had started to lose sight of my life, my goals, and my vision. It was getting to the point where I was diminishing all my achievements because I wasn’t at someone else’s level and where I thought I should be (aka “should’ing all over myself!) To add insult to injury I then found myself getting all prickly and jealous when the people I love and care for shared their accomplishments with me. Instead of being happy for them my first thought was “well how nice for you. How much more salt do you care to rub in my wounds?” How is that for honesty, eh? Let me tell you this: that is NOT me and NOT someone who I wish to become EVER! It was then that I realized how far I was sinking and I just wanted off this hamster wheel of negativity. This morning I decided it was time!

I believe the Universe gave me this song because, no matter how much I may hate it, I can see why people would be attracted to it. It’s has a quirky, teeny bopper way about it that just makes a person loosen up. In my instance, I almost broke my neck but it was a fun near-break. I have found that I have been taking myself, and life, much too seriously lately. This was my wake-up call to get back to being ME and bringing my light and my sparkle to the world. I am being reminded that I am on my own path and I will get to where I wish to be on my own time and in my own way.

Willow 1 – Tiffany 1 (As seen in the video below, she can do things with her hair that I cannot even dream of, therefore, she wins if there was a tie-break. Too bad there isn’t one though.)

*Disclaimer – You may be wondering “Tiffany, if you hate this song so much, why is it on your iPod?” My response is this: I downloaded a playlist from a friend and it happened to be on it. I was not even aware that I had it until this morning. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

Back to whippin’ I go! Feel free to join me!

Can ‘suck’ and ‘pray’ be used in the same sentence?

If you are the author of this post then yes, yes they can! Allow me to explain.

I’ve been in a bit of a funk these past few days and I have been actively looking for a way out. To clarify, I am talking about a way out of the funk, not a way out of my life. Overall, I happen to love my life. Just not at this particular moment in time. I have literally eight (8), count them, EIGHT self-help books that are on my Kindle right now and I am in the midst of them all! I even downloaded “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Connecting with Your Angels!” Oh yes I did!! Just so you don’t think I am some sort of self-help freakish junkie, I also threw in some pleasure reading in the form of “The Girl Who Played With Fire.” Hmmm, after seeing that written, I sort of feel a little like a freak after all! Anyway, while all of the books I am engrossed in are helpful, they don’t seem to be working this week. Could it be that I am actually on sensory overload? I thought that might be the case so I decided to ditch the books momentarily and try something I haven’t tried in a while. I decided to ask the Universe for a sign. Actually I asked some pretty specific questions, which, with the exception of one, I have forgotten. They were something like “what do I need to know today?”, “how can I be of service?” and, the one I do recall, “what the hell do I need to do to get myself out of this shit show that I am starring in!?” Perhaps the Universe didn’t like my attitude because my sign came in the form of graffiti on the N train. (See for yourself if you don’t believe me.)

Most people get nice visuals or a soothing inner voice. I get the subway but I’m not bitter. Much. So as you witnessed, my sign was to “pray”. Now, I know there is writing all over the subways but I have never seen anything written on the side of a door handle like that. Better yet, I have never actually taken the time to look. All of a sudden though, there it was and for some reason I could not stop staring at it. I have the picture to back up my claim that I was obsessed. Who else takes a snapshot of the subway door?

Pray. Okay. That’s my sign. I decided to go home and give it a whirl. Before I share what transpired, you should know that there was some profanity so you may want to stop here if you’re offended by the F-Bomb. I know, I know…how does one find a way to fit swearing into prayer? I can assure you it was NOT intentional. It seems I was struggling with the voice in my head as to HOW to pray.

It went a little something like this:

“Dear Universe” (*Tiffany, this is not a letter, just speak from your heart*)

“Hi Universe, it’s me, Tiffany” (*this is also not the 2011 version of “Are You There God It’s Me Margaret, SPEAK FROM YOUR HEART*)

“God?” (*Yes, Sweetie, He is there, no need to ask. Just make up your mind who you are talking too*)

“Holy Spirit, Higher Power, Divine Spirit Within, Angels and Spirits who guide and protect me and anyone else I may have missed (*good, got em all covered*)

“I know it has been awhile since I’ve reached out but I need your guidance. I’m in a bit of  rut and I cannot seem to snap out of it.” (*I really need to make a note to order more from Fresh Direct, the fridge is empty…. Fuck! where was I?*)

“Sorry….I am having trouble focusing. As I was saying, I really need your guidance. I feel like there is more out there for me and that I am not reaching my full potential. I ask that you guide me towards my purpose and remove all negativity, fear, self-doubt, criticism and anything else that stands in my way of being my best self.”(*this is good Tiff but don’t ask for the world, express your gratitude as well*)

“I am grateful for um… I am grateful for uh…. for all the gifts you’ve brought into my life and….um….uh….” (*silence*)

“For my health” (*but why does my lower back hurt so much? If you can make that go away that would be great! Ew! Greedy bitch! Focus!!!*)

“For the health of those I love and….um….” (*longer silence*)

“You know what? Fuck this!! This prayer SUCKS and I am truly sorry that I don’t even know how to pray! What moron cannot PRAY? I’m sorry! Really! I will let you go now. Good night. Thanks.” (*Please tell me you did not just curse out the Holy Spirit, Higher Power, Divine Spirit Within, and all the Angels and Spirits who guide and protect you, you Jackass!*)

“I’m back. I’m sorry. It’s just been a bad day. There is plenty I am grateful for. I express it daily and I didn’t want to sound like a broken record which is why I was so silent; I was trying to think of others. Really. I am sorry. I know this prayer sucks but tomorrow will be better. In the meantime, if you could send me a new sign, that would be ideal. I love you. Okay. Amen.”

True story. I’m afraid to pray again but I have to try. Wish me luck!

“For Who?”

I am reading “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay. I only needed to read a certain portion for my intenSati homework, however, I felt a need to start reading the whole book. Truth be told, I think it was all the pretty colors that attracted me. I usually put books on my Kindle, but when I was lent this book I really wanted an actual copy for myself. The colors and photos are great, not to mention the rockin’ affirmations! So the Universe caught my eye with dazzle along with the reminders that “I am at peace”, “All is well” and “I love myself”!? So what!? Seriously! Look for yourself and tell me this book doesn’t scream “TAKE ME HOME NOW!”

Who cares what drew me to it anyway? The point is I decided to read it and I am SO glad I did! (Side note: great call with the bright colors, U! Thanks!!) Anyway…..I’ve only read one chapter yet I have already had an ‘a-ha’ moment; so much so that I needed to stop reading and get up to write. Two little words packed a serious punch! Those words were “for who?” Ready for this??

Louise was talking about a negative thought that we all seem to have in common; the thought that  “I’m not good enough.” Then she blindsided me by asking “for who?” Umm…great question Louise! I wish I had an answer for you. I really was stumped when I read this. I even stopped reading, closed my eyes, thought about it for quite some time, and I still have yet to come to a conclusion. The fact that I have no specific person in mind basically tells me all I need to know; that there is no “for who?” Honestly. Nobody comes to mind. For ME, maybe? I cannot think of one single person in my life, family included (and you know they can be awfully critical), who has said to me “you’re not good enough.” Now, it may have been a message I received as a child, but it sure does not hold true as an adult. All the fears I have been carrying around about whether or not I will be good enough as a Sati leader, or as a coach, or as a girlfriend, daughter, sister, etc… is all my own shit! The massive shadow that follows me everywhere is ME! Seems pretty obvious, yes, but I have to admit, it really didn’t hit me until just now. This is all stuff I know to be true., at least in my head. I even say it all the time; “Tiff, you are your own worst enemy and the only thing standing in your way is you” BUT….I don’t think I actually believed it, whole-heartedly, until just today. Hell, if this is what vacation is going to do for me, I may as well take a permanent one right now. What clarity!

So basically the bad news is that I have been carrying around this message all my life just because I may have heard it once or twice before, but the great news is that I can change it with my thoughts. Sounds simple and, who knows, maybe it really is. I always assume these big shifts need to be difficult and all this major work needs to be done. That’s not to say that I don’t have things to work on ahead of me and that it will take some mental muscle, but, at least in this one instance, I really do believe it IS that easy. If I can carry around a negative message like that all my life without even realizing it, then imagine what positive thoughts I can think and what choices I can make when I AM aware of it!? Pretty freakin’ cool!!

I am making a promise to myself right here and now; going forward, when I have thoughts of not being good enough, or strong enough, or pretty enough, or just ENOUGH enough, I am going to stop and ask myself: “for who?” I will do my very best, but, if I forget, feel free to ask me that question yourself.

Just thought I’d share. Back to reading….

Message from the Universe

“If you want to find joy; if you want to find excellence; you’ve got to listen to your heart and just let yourself be”

I woke up a few weeks ago chanting this affirmation. It’s not anything I’ve ever heard in one of the intenSati classes I participate in and it’s definitely not anything I’ve ever read, so I am feeling pretty confident when I say that I came up with this all by myself. Well, actually, I feel more comfortable in saying that this was a message that was given to me. I rarely, if ever, write down my dreams, but when I woke up chanting this, Sati style, I couldn’t help but grab my phone and save myself a little message. Before I expand on what I believe to be the meaning behind this, let me go back in time for a few moments.

As you may have noticed, I have not been blogging in months! Actually, truth be told, there hasn’t been much I have been doing at all in terms of creativity. I ended my 4-year relationship back in October and ever since then I have been trying to find my footing. Out of respect for the relationship, I am choosing not to discuss details. All I can say is that it was not easy, but I did what I needed to do for me. Since then I have been giving myself time to feel whatever it was I needed to feel before I was ready to move on. That time has come.

At the end November I became an intenSati leader. I participated in a week-long, intensive workshop led by the inspirational, creative, genius behind this practice, Patricia Moreno. I was given the go-ahead by the guru herself to start leading. I still have a year of leadership training to complete level 1, which includes such things as readings, conference calls, and writing assignments, and then, of course, putting them all into practice. I must continue to grow and make improvements in my own life; walk my talk so to speak, in order to be the best leader I can be! For the longest time I didn’t even think I could complete this workshop and become a leader because I was convinced that I didn’t have what it takes, but I realized by the end of that intense week that I had been selling myself short. I have a love for this practice, particularly seeing what it has brought to my life, and I have a desire to inspire others. I also happen to know the moves and I have no problems not only remembering what the affirmations are, but belting them out in class. Anyone who knows me, knows that it’s hard to shut me up. Apparently this is true for exercise as well! So what if I need to work on the musicality portion of it a little more so than others? So what if I am a little winded after about 45 minutes and feel a little more out of shape than I used too? So what if I weigh a little bit more than the other leaders and I’m not as toned? Look, the bottom line is this: I am off beat a little, in more ways than one. It’s the story of my life and what makes me who I am! I own that!  I can practice and learn the musicality. I can work out at the gym a little bit harder and a little longer. I can eat smaller portions and work on shedding some pounds. All of that, in my humble opinion, is not what matters. What really and truly matter is the passion and love I have for this practice and my biggest asset; my heart! That’s not something that can be learned!

Now, with all that being said, I must be honest. I have only taught 2 classes since January and, after the second class, I stopped dead in my tracks and have not been back to leading since. As I type this, I am willing myself to find the strength and the courage to get back at it. As a matter of fact, I am putting it out there now, that I WILL be teaching again in April. The first class went pretty well all things considered. I was off the beat many times, as I knew I would be, but I had a hell of a good time with it. I laughed at myself along the way, I kept the class engaged and light, and, if the sweat was any indication, they got in a kick ass workout!! The second class, for all intents and purposes, was a shit-show! If you’re not familiar with the term, familiarize yourself with it now as it seems to be my go-to phrase when things are a mess! Total and complete train-wreck, my friends! It’s not even something worth getting into other than to say that just about everything that could go wrong did go wrong! The lone bright spot was my share with the class. As I said before, if you know me you know I love to talk. I shared a story with the class that brought even me to tears. After that, the shit show began. On a good note, I took that entire experience and analyzed it to death. I now know what went wrong, what to do differently and I learned from it. It’s just a matter of getting back out there and trying again. April. Mark my words.

Let’s see, what else? Oh yes! My new 2011 Nissan Maxima, affectionately named Maxine, was violated. I was headed out of my apartment in Crooklyn and noticed that something looked different. After a few seconds, I realized that someone had stolen two of the tires (but kindly left the jack behind). Check it out and say it with me folks: “Shit Show!”:

I am growing though and let me tell you how! After an initial freak out session right there in the street and after a police report, numerous calls with the insurance company, an amazing experience with the auto repair shop, a few vodka’s and many tears later, I found myself not only looking for the bright spots (they could have stolen all four tires, not just two; they could have stolen the whole damn car; I was not there to witness it or the situation could have been truly dire; I have insurance to cover this, etc….) but actually wishing them well. I know, right!!? My baby was assaulted and I am wishing the perps well! (Yes, I said “perps”. I blame all the crime shows on TV for that one. I even asked the police officer if they were going to dust the jack for prints. I won’t even tell you the odd look I got!) Anyway, I thought “how sad must one’s life be for them to have to resort to such things?” As my beloved Aunt Eleanor used to say, in just about every situation, “God Bless them”. I am proud to say that I did just that. While I admit that it wasn’t easy to do and I felt that I really needed to TRY to wish them blessings, I do feel better for the effort. I truly believe that this was a sign and that I need to listen. For the longest time I have been talking about getting out of NY and for equally as I long, I have done nothing about it. I have always found a reason to stay, whether it is in the form of family, a relationship, or a job, and now, for once in my life, I am ready to focus on me and what I want! It’s a shame that the Universe thought I needed this type of reminder, but who knows, maybe I was being protected from something far worse. In any event, it happened, I am okay, I’ve learned a lot, I’ve even made some new friends at the auto shop and I am finally listening. By the way, in case you’re wondering, Maxine is going to be just fine. She had about 5k worth of damage but the people at Geico and the auto shop have been great (and I am loving my deductible!)

So, with the exception of a couple of blips on the radar, you’re pretty much all caught up. I’ve been sitting in my shit and feeling sorry for myself for way too long and it’s about time I started to join the land of the living. I have been throwing myself back into things that are going to light me up and keep me moving forward. One of those things consists of writing this blog on my sunny two-week vacation! I am very relaxed and my heart told me to get out the ole MacBook and start typing. I immediately thought of my dream, my own personal affirmation, and here we are! You should know that the night before this affirmation came to me  I wrote a letter to the Universe asking questions about my life in general. Now, I know this sounds hokey but, these days, I am not above trying something new. For whatever it’s worth, I’m glad I did because this response could not have been more perfectly suited for me. As a reminder, the response was “if you want to find joy; if you want to find excellence; you’ve got to listen to your heart and just let yourself be”. Wow! I mean I DO want to find joy, who doesn’t? Not that I am not joyful now and not that I am not grateful for all the blessings that I have in my life, but the joy I am talking about comes from WITHIN myself. THAT’S what I want to have! I want to experience joy in just BEING ME and with all I feel that I have to offer. The same holds true for excellence. I already know I am excellent in my work but I want that to translate over into my personal life and into the things I am passionate about. When I think excellence, I think about doing my best. Doing my best as a Sati leader and as a coach. Showing up, being me, giving my classes and my clients everything I have to offer in that moment and walk away knowing that I made a difference. THAT’S the excellence I am talking about! So I am pretty stoked that I know what I want; that was the easy part. The hard part comes in the listening to my heart and just letting myself be. In order to listen to my heart I will need to silence the chatter in my head and stop focusing on the opinions of others. Only my heart knows what’s best for me so the sooner I listen up and get on board the easier my life will come to me. It really doesn’t need to be this difficult! I am committed to just being: being me, being present, being true to myself and being true to my word. Without that, what do I have? I find that every time I don’t follow my heart (and trust me, it’s too often) I end up feeling sad and alone. Every time I try to “push the river” or “paddle upstream” so to speak, I end up frustrated and I find myself doing less than my best. The only way this serves me is as a reminder that I need to let go and JUST BE!

In the spirit of BEING and in the spirit of listening to my heart, here is what I am being told right at this very moment:

• Move out of NYC and head west (nothing drastic as in pick up tomorrow and go; just get a plan of action together and stay focused on the end result – NO.MATTER.WHAT!)
• Focus on what truly inspires and motivates me: Coaching and intenSati. Get out there and stop living in the shadows. I have as much to offer as anyone else and I am entitled to live out my dreams.
• Get back to blogging for the sheer fact that I enjoy it. It will touch some and not others and, either which way, it’s okay. This is for me, and, if it touches someone else that’s a bonus, but not the reason behind it.
• Stop focusing on what others will say or think about me. I have absolutely no control over that, nor do I wish too.
• Stop worrying and wondering “how” things are going to work out and take a leap of FAITH and KNOW that they will.
• Lead intenSati classes; don’t just be a student.
• Lighten up! I have a sense of humor. At what point did I decide to drop it and get all serious? Really, it’s NOT all that serious! So do what I do best; smile and laugh!

There you have it folks. That’s what’s been happening in my world. I am no longer sitting on the sidelines getting splinters in my ass; it’s high time I get back in the game. I promise to start that with keeping a consistent blog (at least once a week) and getting back to leading intenSati classes. As soon as I have a schedule (even if for just one day out of the week) I will let you know.

Peace out for now my lovelies!!

Letter to my 14 year old self

Dear Bubba,

You’re still being called that huh? Well, it beats the hell out of some of the other names you’re going to hear over the course of your adult life so I say this…know that this nickname is coming out of the mouths of people who love and adore you and that you are not fat! You were a chunky baby with no hair and absolutely adorable! Bubba is the perfect nickname! Okay, so I digressed already.

You’re probably wondering what inspired this letter aren’t you? Well, here I am, your 35-year-old self and at a mini-cross roads in life. I went and worked out yesterday morning and at the end, during the meditation, we were asked to think about what we would tell our 14-year-old selves. Girl, you know that sparked some emotion! So, here I am writing you this letter. 

Let me start by saying that you’re doing a fine job. You’ve managed to stay relatively sane through some pretty tough family drama so kudos to you for that. Now, if we can just get you to ease up on yourself a little bit it would go a long way in the future. All this beating yourself up is only going to hurt you later on in life. Here are some things I think would be helpful for you find out sooner rather than later, in no particular order.

You’re a lesbian. There I said it. You. Are. A. Lesbian. Please don’t tell me your shocked by this!? I mean you cut off your Barbie’s hair and placed them in compromising positions with other Barbie’s. Ken never made it out of the box! That’s no fluke baby doll. It’s an early sign. That “butterfly” feeling you keep getting in your stomach when you’re with that cute girl from soccer camp; yeah, that’s called a crush. You LIKE her like her. Whoot! Really though, I know this is hard for you. You feel like you have nobody to talk too who will understand. You barely even understand. You just know you’re different from your friends and, from what you’ve been told by your parents and the Catholic church, how you feel is wrong. If you act on those feelings you’re a sinner. I am here to tell you differently. You were born this way so do yourself a favor and stop trying to be someone you’re not. God made you in His image and you are perfect just the way you are! Being a lesbian is just a part of who you are so don’t let it define you. You are going to struggle mightily when it comes time to come out of the closet and you will lose a lot of friends. People will not only talk about you behind your back, but they will do it right to your face. You will be gay bashed and even give thought to taking your own life. Who will care anyway, right? WRONG! So many people love you and find you to be a blessing in their life. They would be devastated if anything happened to you. You can’t see it now, but it’s the truth. Hold your head up high, be proud of who you are and never change for anybody. (If I may, however, make one suggestion on this topic? Okay, two suggestions? First, when you do come out to your family, try not to do so in an overly dramatic way. Some of them may think your pregnant or are dying from a serious illness. They already know. The only one you’re fooling is yourself. Secondly, when you finally do have the courage to come out to your Mom, do NOT….I repeat…do NOT…do it while she is driving (and try to refrain from profanity if possible.) She may hit a tree. Maybe. Just sayin’.)

If it’s not too late, I strongly advise AGAINST anything and everything you’re considering doing to your hair. Seriously! Please stop before it’s too late!! Perms are NOT your friend and the “tail-braid” is not an attractive look. I know you love his music but you are not Jordan Knight! You cannot sing like him and you do not look like him so let it go honey. As a matter of fact, I know you’re sad that the New Kids are breaking up and moving on to other projects but do not fret. They make a comeback! They do! They will be known as NKOTB and you will see that Jordan has lost the braid (and he’s not gay as we hoped…but his brother is!) Trust me though. You have phenomenal hair days in the future so please just do us a favor and stop letting Mom still have a say as to how to style your hair now. It’s not working. While I’m at it, lose the oversized flannels. That coupled with the hair and the braces (oh you poor thing!) could be one reason why your esteem is so low. Again, I promise you, I’ve got your back on this one. You get hotter! The ladies will love you soon enough!

When you decide to get that first tattoo, remember this: it’s permanent. Pick the spot carefully and try to remain sober. I have a feeling you’re not going to listen to me on either point but what kind of self would I be if I didn’t at least try? That’s about all I’ve got to say on this point.

I know how much you love the hell out of your Aunt Eleanor, but do it more. Be around more. Sit and talk with her more, and, most importantly, TELL her how you feel! She knows but tell her anyway. She won’t be around forever. Traumatic events that happen in 2001, along with Aunt Eleanor’s death, will mark the hardest years of your life to date. They will make your years living with the family look like a walk in the park. You will lose faith, lose your relationship and lose yourself but you DO prevail. You are so much stronger than you think you are!

Babies. I’m not sure how to tell you this so I will just say it. You’re not having them. Well, I should say, you’re not birthing them. The cramps you feel now only get worse. It’s called Endometreois and Adenomyosis. I am sorry it took me until 34 to make a decision that was suggested when I hit 24. It’s just one more challenge but you will see that the hysterectomy was the best decision you could ever make. The recovery is not even all that bad. You’ll cry a lot and it will even be suggested that you’re depressed. My suggestion? Make sure the estrogen patch that you’re supposed to wear is securely in place. You don’t want to run around thinking you have one on only to find that it came off with your workout pants and is sitting in the laundry. Now, I am not saying this DID happen….it’s merely a suggestion. Learn to love menopause. It’s a fantastic excuse for getting away with a lot. Feel like yelling and cursing for no good reason? Oh, it must be mood swings caused by menopause! Feel like eating an ice cream in a blizzard? Oh, menopause is causing hot flashes. Work it girl…OWN IT!

Well I don’t want to ruin it all for you so I won’t go on much longer. Those are some of the big-ticket items that I thought would be most helpful. There is a lot of smiles and tears in between but the journey is worth it. At the end of the day, the best advice I can give you is this: let people in. Allow the people who love and care about you to do just that; love and care about you. You have such a huge heart and a loving spirit. You make people laugh and bring them joy. Often times people will rely on you to be the life of the party and to help keep everyone else’s spirits up. It’s a gift yes, but that does not mean that’s all you’re worth. You’ve already started building up these walls and you’re afraid to cry for fear that people might think you’re weak, or, worse yet, you will be letting them down by not showing up as the fun-loving Tiffany that they expect. The only person you’re letting down is yourself. People just expect you to be you and they are more than willing to offer their gift of love and support. Allow them to give you that gift. If you don’t start now, you’re going to end up as me, your 35-year-old self who, only now, is starting to be okay with the tears. Learn to love and accept yourself EXACTLY as you are because I love you and who you are is perfect!

Keep up the good work Bubba! You’re doing awesome!! You have to let me know if you found this helpful. If so, when I hit 50, I may have to write a letter to my 35-year-old self.

Now, I must leave you with a song (we sure do love our music, don’t we?) My coach turned me on to this song and I think it’s perfect for you. Enjoy!

Remembrance

Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you.  If they speak, you break down.  ~Bede Jarrett

I came across this quote earlier today and it struck a serious chord with me. I have been wanting to write and get all the thoughts that swirl around in my head into the open, but, just as I sit and try to get it out, nothing happens. This quote changed all that. I’ve been holding a lot in lately and I thought I was doing a good job until that one person said “are you okay? I know this is a hard time of year for you.” Cue the flood gates.

I promised myself that I wasn’t going to get upset and focus on tomorrow’s date of September 11th. Each year I am a bundle of nerves and I am bombarded with television images and non-stop reminders to “never forget”. Trust me, I couldn’t if I wanted too. When the actual day arrives I’ve found myself very quiet (unusual for me), wanting to be alone and just reflect in my own way. It always ends up the same: I’m in front of the TV a sobbing mess and then I am mad at myself because I haven’t gotten over it. As I write this even I can hear how crazy that sounds. Get over it? Seriously?

What is going to happen is that I am going to get over hiding my emotions around this event and start cutting myself some slack! This isn’t some fender bender that requires a little ointment and a band-aid. This was a terrorist attack that I, along with countless others, witnessed first hand. This was an event that has taken a little piece of me and changed my life. I used to sit and watch the televised “specials” every year as if I was punishing myself for surviving. On Friday September 7th, 2001 my client cancelled our breakfast meeting for Tuesday the 11th at Windows on the World in the North Tower of the World Trade Center. I remember my boss and I being aggravated because these plans were made so far in advance and it would be months to set another appointment. I still get goose bumps and a massive lump in my throat when I think of what would have been had he not cancelled. As if that were not enough, I had a freak encounter with my shower head that Tuesday morning. The nozzle just popped off and hit me square in the face. It wasn’t loose, I never had a problem with it before and I hadn’t since. But that morning…POP! Right in the face, water everywhere and me cursing and ranting that I was now going to be late. Which I was. Missed the first plane hit and was in my office, unfortunately, to watch about a good 45 seconds of the flight pattern of the second plane before the inevitable happened. So, yes…major survivor’s guilt.

I can recall every last detail of that day from the soot and dust that was stuck to my clothes, to who I was with, to how scared I was as I walked aimlessly for over 12 hours trying to figure out how to get home, to the deafening silence that took over NYC that day. Every scent, every sound before the towers fell to the very silence when the dust settled is all right there firmly rooted in my memory. Strangely enough I can deal with all that. It’s when I see the other images in my mind that I start to get upset. I was literally watching people die right before my eyes and, after the horror of it all had time to settle in, I was left thinking “what makes me so special that my life was spared?”

I am okay with never knowing the answer to this because I am finally at a point in my life where I can see that it doesn’t really make a difference. My life was spared and I am so unbelievably grateful for that! It’s clear that my purpose here on Earth is not done and that’s all I need to know. So I am going to try something different this September 11th:

• Instead of watching the replays on the TV, I am going to get outside and go for a walk to clear my head. I will remember and reflect in a way that feels right for me.
• Instead of stuffing my feelings and forcing the tears back (which inevitably fall anyway), I am going to love myself enough to allow them to fall freely. It’s a healing.
• I am going to let those people who love and care about me do just that: love and care about me without pushing them away.
• I am going to give myself permission to grieve for as many years as it takes and drop the “tough girl” routine.

The truth of the matter is quite simple: my heart hurts. I will never forget, and, quite frankly, I don’t want to forget. So many people lost their lives and they deserved to be remembered. I nearly lost my own and I deserve to remember for it’s in this remembrance that I express my deepest gratitude and thanks, not only for all the abundance I have in my life, but for life itself! It’s so easy to get caught up in the petty day-to-day things in life. We start to sweat the small stuff, complain about everything under the sun and take life for granted. If nothing else, let September 11th be a reminder to live life full-out and take NOTHING for granted! Take the opportunity to tell the people in your life how much they mean to you for you never know when it might be your last!

Time to sign off for now and just be (with a little music from one of my favorite artists: Mr. Bruce Springsteen)

Wishing you all peace!

xoxo

Naming It and Claiming It!

Oh boy, it’s been a minute since I’ve blogged huh? I’ve got this amazing new MacBook Pro (I had to lay my dinosaur of a Dell to rest) and I have done nothing with it other than Facebook, Tweet and check my mail. Time to make something happen don’t you think?

I’ve actually been wanting to blog for a while now but I have to be honest and tell you that I had no idea what to blog about. I always have a thousand ideas swirling around my head at one time and yet nothing ever seems “appropriate”. Well, that’s all changed this week. My friend Missy had this amazing blog post that she borrowed from Rachel, and, after reading both posts, I have become inspired to continue the trend. The topic was about officially owning your “stuff”. You know, that stuff that you may be ashamed to have someone know about you. That stuff that you wish to talk about but don’t for fear that you will be judged. That kind of “stuff”. Well, here is some of mine. I am officially naming it and claiming it:

Owning It

As a life coach I have no problem seeing the potential in everyone else, however, I still struggle with seeing my own potential: I am sure many of you can relate to that statement about being able to help everyone else but yourself. I am no different. I can easily find something good to say about everyone I meet but when it comes to looking in the mirror and finding something good to say about myself, I struggle mightily. I am constantly comparing myself to others  and always fretting that I will never be able to measure up. For instance, I can take an intenSati class, where the entire premise is positive affirmations, and sometimes turn it into “oh, I will never be able to move like her”, or “I will never have a body like that”, or “I am going to stand in the back today because inspirational people should be in the front”. It’s not all the time, but it does happen. I am continuing to work through these issues with my coach and I am not ashamed to admit it. “I’m sorry, but I’m NOT sorry!”

I don’t blog as often as I would like because I worry too much what people will think: As I stated above, I have a thousand thoughts swirling through my head and, as much as I would love to blog about it, I stop myself because I wonder whether or not it would be appropriate. I also have a tendency to wonder if people will read it, or, better yet, will they even care what I have to say? This probably goes in tandem with the first item I named and claimed, but, in much the same way, I am not ashamed to admit it. I am working it out (hence this post) and I am keeping in mind the following thought that a woman I admire and respect shared with me many moons ago: “it’s not my business what other people think of me, but it is my business what I think of me!” I think I rock right now! “I’m sorry, but I’m NOT sorry!”

I talk to myself: I am not talking about little sentences here and there either. I mean I go all out and talk to myself. Full on conversations. I find that I give myself some pretty awesome advice and I make myself laugh. I am not used to living alone and ever since my partner returned home to Finland, I have been trying to get used to the silence. The truth is, while I do like it sometimes, it gets very lonely and I think that talking to myself will help. It actually kinda does. What can I say? I think it all boils down to this: I love the sound of my own voice. “I’m sorry, but I’m NOT sorry!”

I am terrible at asking for help: If a friend or a loved one (or even a stranger for that matter) asked me for help, I would do everything in my power to support them as best I could. When it comes to my needing help, I have a hard time asking. I have plenty of loving friends and family who always tell me to reach out if I need something. The times when I do need a shoulder, I will pick up the phone, start to dial, and then hang up. I don’t like to impose on other people as I know we all have our own stuff going on in our lives. I am working on reminding myself that, by not asking for help, I am robbing my friends and family of the opportunity to share their heart with me and offering their gifts of advice, support and love. I am happy to say that I am getting better at it though so….guess what? “I’m sorry, but I’m NOT sorry!”

I HATE mini-vans, grocery shopping and cooking: I usually don’t use the word “hate” so, when I do, I mean business and, let me tell you, my hatred for mini-vans and grocery shopping run deep (cooking is not too far off). I mean no disrespect to the actual drivers of the mini-vans, or those who own mini-vans, as I am sure they all are lovely people. I just have not been fortunate enough to come across a mini-van driver who did not press my “road rage” button. The number of times I have been cut-off, stuck behind, or had a near collision with a mini-van cannot be counted. As for grocery shopping, well….there are no words. I despise this act! D.E.S.P.I.S.E! I actually despise it so much that I have only gone once since Jenni has been back in Finland (it’s been about a month since she’s been gone) and it was such a nightmare, that I consulted with a friend to have him be my personal chef. No, I am not a diva either. This is what he does for a living. I would rather spend the money to give to him to grocery shop and cook for me than lose my shit in a grocery store altogether! Knowing that I have trouble asking for help and now knowing this additional tidbit of information, please consider the following: If you see me in a mini-van, whether as the driver or the passenger, and I am headed towards the grocery store…..something has gone completely wrong and this should be construed as my cry for help! “I’m sorry, but I’m NOT sorry!”

I have an old lady crush on Betty White: This basically speaks for itself, no? “I’m sorry, but I’m NOT sorry!”

That about concludes my list for this evening. It’s getting late and I have an intenSati class tomorrow morning at 6:30. It’s my last class for the week as, later in the afternoon, I am flying out to Finland to see Jenni and help her celebrate her 30th birthday!

Wishing you all a fantastic week and I look forward to catching up when I return!

PEACE OUT!